The criteria would be to have a colour, an animal, a hole or a shape randomly chosen and put together to form a name. Pink Fish Productions, Square Goat, Running Artichoke Ltd, Holey Lemming are all names I came up with in 20 seconds. These names have become vogue for the reason that they take 20 seconds to think up and have become synonymous to a bursting market in digital media, the ease of website design and relatively cheap film production. They are easy and anonymous, and if the production went bust then it just took another 20 seconds to come up with a new name for a new or the similar production concept. Job done. However, with the rise of blogging sites and advances in accessible technologies – using ones own name is back in fashion.

The new vogue is to not hide behind an eclectic mix of lateral thinking, but to be out in the open – share information about what you do and how you do it to anyone who will listen, including your potential competitors – Social Information Sharing as it is known.

The benefit of sharing your information leads to you becoming an expert and leader within your field, the person people turn to as long as you remain and advance yourself as an expert and leader in your field.

I am raising this subject after seeing that Philip Bloom (http://philipbloom.net) has now endorsed the Philip Bloom Kessler Pocket Dolly, it has a label and everything. Philip has become a brand – the Fred Perry of the DSLR world.

I am disciple of people like Philip and Vincent Laforet (http://blog.vincentlaforet.com) because they tell you what they know, so that you can use it. They both had the foresight to seeing the future of DSLR cameras and associated grip and paraphernalia that goes with it.

So how do you go about making your name into a Global Brand.

First thing you need is a blog site.  An old fashioned HTML website is just too static these days. Within 5 minutes you can have a WordPress (http://wordpress.org) site up and running with your name on it. If you have a bit of cash you can get a web designer to use the WordPress engine to come up with something a little more fancy. But this does not matter, it is all about content and regular updates.

So you now have your site, it looks pretty, but you are staring at a blank screen and thinking “what the hell am I now going to write about, how am I going to become a Global Brand”.

For starters write something that people give a shit about, something they want to know about. People want to know what you know so that they can use what you know. Social Information Sharing. Don’t be fearful that you sound like you are up your own arse – you probably are and have to accept this to become a Global Brand; don’t be fearful of criticism – people will always critisize you, but remember that “nobody ever put up a statue to a critic (Howard Stringer – Sony Corporation Chief); don’t be afraid of people taking your information for their own gain, that is why you have put it out there; quote and endorse your competitors it is only fair; explore what your passion is.

As your content grows get lots of photos of you doing what you do best – staring down cameras, intellectual discussions with intellectual looking people and pointing at objects in the distance. But most importantly surround yourself with kit, lots of kit. If you want inspiration for how to pose for camera a quick flick through Kays catalogue may give you some inspiration.

Embed your films, embed other people’s films, link other people’s sites, attend lectures, hold lectures, share your experience. The more useful the site, the more hits it will receive, the more hits it receives the more it will raise on search engine ratings, the more it raises on search engine ratings the more people will turn to you, because you know what you know.

Soon you will find yourself Twittering and figuring out how to RSS feed your site to Facebook. You will become a favourite on StumbleUpon and a top link on Delicious. People will want a piece of you. You have become a Global Brand. You will have a range of products with your name on it and somewhere, someplace, in the world a child will be born that is named after you, that is unless you are called Square Bottom Pink Lips.

I hope this article helps with your Global Branding experience.

All my love.

Col

The first email was for an advert I responded to. It seems too good to be true. It is interesting to note that I could not find the advert again later in the day.

The second advert is one that somebody responded to me asking if I was interested in their flat, again too good to be true.

Email 1 from  robertnilcanj@yahoo.com

Re: Your Gumtree.com ad #39899400: 1 bedroom flat to rent in Westbourne Terrace Road, Little Venice, W2
Hi,

The rent is 600 £ per month including all bills and the concil tax. I moved in Milano , Italy because I got a new job. I work in a hospital and the flat is empty and that is the motive that I want to rent it. You can rent the flat as long as you need to stay even for 2 or 3 years. The first payment will be for 2 months(1200£).In case you want it, let me know so we can arrange the transaction. For me is very hard to come in London and if I will come i must be 100% sure that I will not come for nothing. As you can see in the photos everything it’s new in the flat and the flat is fully furnished, newly refurbished and also benefits from wood flooring. You have internet connection, phone, washing machine with dryer, cable TV and most important parking place.Please let me know what your intentions are….when you intend to move in?how long you want the contract to last for?how many people would be living in it and some other things you feel i should know.
cheers

Email 2 hccoopp122@googlemail.com

It was nice reading from you.
I work as an Engineer,currently supervising the building construction of an hotel in Edinburgh which would be finishing soon before i leave for Italy where i start my new job.
For this reason,i wont be living in the apartment,i only inherited it and haven’t lived in it for too long.I wouldn’t like to leave it dirty and unkept so i need clean and responsible tenant.
Apartment amenities include. Central Heating,Refrigerator,Ironing Board,Good wireless internet Connection,Washing machine,Dishwasher,Microwave Oven,Television with Built-in DVD Player,Coffee Maker,Double Sofabed in Sitting Room,Dining Area,Hairdryer just to mention a few.
Unfortunately my phone is bad and wouldn’t be able to receive phone calls at the moment,so communication via email would be better at the moment,probably i could give you a call later when i get on a pay phone as am not thinking of buying a new phone here as am leaving in few weeks.
As regards the viewing,i think we could fix a date i come down for the viewing and we reach an agreement.Have been very busy with work lately so its hard for me to spare time,i would like to be more certain about your intentions before booking my plane tickets for this.
I would be staying in Italy for more than 4 years so its up to you to decide how long you want the apartment for.
Please let me know what are the things you have in mind…how many people would be occupying the apartment and for how long you want the contract to last for.
Also let me know when you intend to move in and more other details you feel necessary for me to know.
Whereabouts do you live in currently?
Pls find attached pictures of the apartment.
Waiting to read from you.
Henry.

What is going on, is everyone off to Italy and has a property, but cannot meet up, so send them the cash…… I have reported this to Gumtree and the fraud squad, who are not particularly interestred as it is under a million quid.

So there you go, if you want to make fast cash, use gumtree ’cause the old bil don’t give a damn. Who needs to work.

col

What exactly is recession? Credit crunch apparently, that’s what it is. What is credit crunch then?

Here go the theories. This is a highly researched entry with information gleamed from doctors of economics and in no way derived or driveled from drunken snippits of conversations down the pub. Honest!!

Modern economies exist on the premise of society doing pointless things. Fact. The Egyptians figured this one out several millennia ago. The pyramids, pointless, the most pointless thing ever built – pretty and big, impressive but pointless. It wasn’t build by slaves as films starring Charlton Heston will have you believe; no it was proper salaried workers. Slaves are a burden on a primitive evolving society. Why is this? If you pay your slaves so that they become non slaves, you can then tax them, they buy things that allow that person to be taxed; the taxes are then collected to fund the systems that are put in place to protect the system of taxation. An army is formed, whom incidentally are taxed. If you have an army then you may as well invade someone else to see if you can tax them…  The politicians and kings and well to do of ancient Egypt cream off their bit. The plebs think they are happy because they think they are not slaves. Society then invents beer and all is good.

So how does this in depth research relate to the modern world? Well the only thing that any local, regional, television program harps on about is  the recession.  Stories like “2,000 homes have been shelved because of the credit crunch and duck found in pond” Well the credit crunch exists, because 2,000 homes have been shelved and all the other shelving that is going on on other regional programs.

Stoppit I say get a grip….regional television programmes are destroying modern society. There is nothing more they like to do than gloat over the failings of their local community. And then there is day time television. A year or so back they were full of optimistic programmes on home improvements, buying a house someplace warmer than Bognor Regis, doing up barns, spend, spend, spend. But now it is all about saving the pennies – middle class families that are doing all right are encouraged to scour their properties for anything with any value – dusty old crap, family heirlooms and precocious children are all being flogged for the cash strapped middle classes.

Television the media are solely responsible for the credit crunch and to that matter the inflated use of credit that existed before. What we need to do is think like the Egyptians, go off and fill our lives with bold endeavours that cost us a huge wad of cash. I am not saying that we fill our green and pleasant land with pyramids or other stone structures of such grandeur….. but if you shut yourself away and only eat Tesco stripey value products, the only people that will benefit are Tesco and we all know that they are evil. All local stores will close and be replaced by Tesco Metros. Individuality will cease to exist. Tesco will be the largest company in the world and will control everything we do. Remember all the science fiction films where society is controlled by the large corporate – our security, what we do, what we think, what we eat. Tesco are in cahoots with day time television, what we are seeing is not a recession or a credit crunch, but the Machiavellian take over of the world. Beware the end is nigh.

So anyway it is nice to be back in England. Because of popular demand I have chosen to keep this blog going, there is way too much happening in the world for me to avoid putting my four peneth in.

I don’t actually hate Bob Marley per say, in fact I quite like some of his chirpy songs about emancipation and other songs of freedom, love and getting completely off your tits. Also, apparently, he was a very nice chap, so I don’t hate him at all. But what I hate is how his songs have flooded every tourist spot in the world. “ No woman, no cry” blaring from every other bar, he is worse than Coca Cola, Mac Donalds or Jesus Christ for the gentrification of local beach culture.

Nobody though is allowed to say that they hate Bob Marley. It seems OK to have this smiley Rasta face with a big spliff jumping out at you, whether you be in the Andes, a lost beach in Mexico, someplace down the Congo, Bognor Regis or here in Goa. He has become synonymous with the freedom of travel, the father of relaxation, the Grandfather of de ‘erb (Whatever that is).

Are we stuck with him? Has musical time stopped? Can we move on? No it seems. For every white, young, middle class, busker on their gap year has adopted a Marley chord play to their repertoire and will fall back on it to engage any group of stoned, white,  young, middle class, types on their gap year. It seems uncle Bob is here to stay.

Whilst on the subject of music, the other thing that drives me nuts is the sitar. Used correctly it is a fine instrument with a sound that quentisential to Indialike no other. However, used in progressive house and trance, it becomes a repetitive plinky plonk that would be better suited for a mental asylum. I throw in the terms progressive house and trance to try and convince you that I have some vague idea as to what I am talking about and it makes me seem youthful, neither of which is true.

I came to Goa, expecting to not really like it, but in fact I love it and as such will try to avoid saying anything nice about it. Goa is not India, there is nothing remotely Indian about it. It is like saying America is English. We know it should be, but hehwhat can you do about the weak leaders of history. You won’t hear Hindi spoken, scantily clad ladies wander in great abode, the worship of Hindu gods few and far between in favour of the man on the cross.

Most notably it is quiet and relaxed, which is not like the rest of India. Noise abatement laws have now come in, keeping the music down to a low key and off at 11, even for Bob. I was expecting raves and thumping German techno, to be vibrating me off to sleep every night. But no I can hear the sea, the birds and the woodworm working its way through my, already flimsy, wooden shack. So where do the stoners, tattoos, dreadlocks, pist English, Israeli and Russian new money crowd hang out?

Headphone parties it seems. I have never seen anything quite like it. Walking into a silent party with a full dance floor. There also seems to be a weird psychology to it too. If you have headphones on you are compelled to dance. I asked one dancing raver what the music was like, “crap” was his response and then carried on dancing. From an outsider, non headphone wearing, point of view though it looks more like something from One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest.

Silent noise is the future, people in their own little canned up worlds, how on earth does anyone meet anyone else. How on earth do the ravers get to breed.

Maybe this will change good old fashioned house parties. Neighbors will be banging on the door complaining of the silence or the fact that the inmates of the local asylum have been let loose in the garden.

Maybe I am a little old fashioned because I like my noise that should make noise to make noise. Maybe I am socially irresponsible and should be shunned from society like smokers at a bus stop or flashers.

Beware, this is your future too.

Most of all I will miss Bob.

Right I am off to have my penis pierced. That will learn ‘em.

The average Indian wedding goes on for as long as a geological epoch and are each attended by a quarter of a million people.  So a small exaggeration, but you get the point. Weddings are a quintessential Indian processes to get dispersed families together so that business can be discussed with the people you discuss business with and other weddings are planned with those that plan weddings for those that do not know weddings are being planned for them.

Without weddings the Indian culture could not survive. If you do not attend more than 53 weddings a year then you are a complete loser, a misfit, a nobody and you are not contributing to India’s economic and cultural wealth. The whole of the Indian economy is propped up by Indian weddings, I am surprised weddings have not been posted on the stock market. They support a huge catering industry, hoteliers, bands, flower arrangers, suit makers, whisky brewers and on. Weddings are India’s answer to self perpetuating wealth. What use is a small wedding…..? Who does it employ so that they can gain the wealth to have big weddings too…… if I had studied economics I am sure there is a model of capitalistic behavior, where the society’s economics is propped up by over the top and seemingly pointless things.

Here is my essential guide to Indian weddings:

Dress code is simply the most flamboyant outfit you can find. If any conservative inkling raises its ugly head in your brain then kill it. If you are thinking, I would not be seen dead in that down the pub, and then you are probably on the right lines. What is better, India is full of tailors. If people are not in the wedding trade, then they are in the tailoring trade. Any cloth you like can be made into any outfit you fancy. What is more you have to ensure that you have a different outfit for the different days that you attend the wedding. Get yourself a big wardrobe.

A procession, leads for 1 -2 km and generally consists of a van with a generator in the back, powering a bunch of guys holding chandeliers. A horse with the groom and nearest small boy precariously plonked on, neither horse nor the plonked looking too sure about their situation. And then there is the band or bands that play simultaneously, overlapping to the extent that one could mistake it for contemporary jazz. Take lots of 10 rupee notes with you though, because every few minutes the band stops and expects to be tipped, which involves waving the money in the air and drummers, trumpet players and conductors throw themselves at the money.

Don’t loose your shoes. It is customary for children to steal people’s shoes. If you do have yours stolen it will cost you a handsome fee to get them back….about twice the price you paid for them. Possibly find ways to attach mousetraps to them to deter the little oiks.

Sari wearing fellas are good luck apparently.  Years ago the king would keep them, because he knew they would not fool around with his missus or missuses. They were hard as nails, and yet more girly than the girliest of girls. In the olden days, having them at a wedding was seen as good luck, these days though they are the Indian mafia. A load will gate crash a wedding and unless they are paid handsomely they will run a mock. These sari wearing fellas, look the same as any regular giza, but with a sari. When one enters a train carriage they get paid handsomely, some say because it is good luck to be blessed by one, I think it is more though that people want to get rid of them before they really embarrass them. Your average one legged, singing, blind beggar will make 10 rupees, but your bloke in a sari will be up to a 100 and away before his competition has reached his darkened chorus.

Food. Expect to not be allowed to stop eating at the Indian wedding. If your mouth does not have something in it for more than 20 seconds then you have insulted the whole family, their family’s families, their caste, their village, their respective gods, and will probably result somebody’s death somewhere along the line. A top tip is to keep eating small amounts and keep your mouth moving as if you are eating at all other times.

 Drink. Whisky, if you don’t like it then you are shafted. It is what any distinguished Indian man prefers. When you go to the bar, make sure you use your status as the token gora (White person) to gain access to the good stuff hidden under the counter, not the grog laid out for the plebs.

Indian weddings are full of ritual. You will not have a clue as to any of it and I would not even attempt trying to figure it out, less you want to construct a 50,000 word thesis on the subject. Nor expect the drunken fights, chicken drumsticks, birdie song or aga doo, or vomiting in the flower arrangements that are synonymous to a good old fashioned British wedding. Shagging the bridesmaid is not really on the cards less you want to leave India with a bride yourself. No, Indian weddings exist at a greater level of decorum; they are a good source of contact. Every man will want to share a whisky with you, and size you up to see if there is any business to be had. The women will pass you sly glances and giggle, probably at the ridiculous outfit that you have chosen, and what is more you will probably be invited to other weddings. If you get it right you will never have to pay for food again in your life and maybe after the 50th wedding you will have some faint idea as to what is going on.

Now I just need to find more excuses to wear my over the top suit…… more Indian weddings, parties, down the pub, Tesco shopping trips, lying on the sofa………………..

Full selection of photos at:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/colinlaidlaw/sets/72157614244861728/

I am working on a short film for the Railway Children charity, promoting their educational program. But I am in Bombay, the capital of Bollywood……………. Bollywood – bling, dancing girls, dancing boys, dancing girls and boys, dancing girls and girls, dancing boys and boys, dancing boys pretending to be dancing girls dancing with dancing boys and so on; over acted fights, different outfits per second,  more camp than Christmas.  Bollywood is barking. It is a fabulous extravaganza, filmed in every exotic location possible, the Pyramids, Great Wall of China, Beckton. Constructed around a lame script, they generally contain one of the 10 or so lead actors that seem to exist India. These actors are everywhere, associating and selling their souls to any product that will have ‘em. You cannot move more than 20 yards without seeing one of their smug faces brandished from some billboard or poster, or blurting out from a television ad. They act, sing and dance, they are gods. India would crumble to nothingness if they all died – of course it would be a horrific plane crash over the Grand Canyon, caused by a fight over the lead lady…..god imagine the wreckage Prada, Guccci and Armani, more snakeskin than snake in a fiery desert Bollywood ball.

With the films dance sequences comes the cursory music that becomes synonymous to the  film. They exist in a symbiotic relationship, film and music, music and film. Every self respecting mobile phone user will have to have it set as their ringtone until the next box office hit comes about. If you do not hear it blaring out of the TV, car radio or filling a shopping Mall at least 50 times a day, then it has failed. If you do not have a catchy tune to your film then you are doomed, reduced to the archives of Bollywood history, never to see the daylight again. Get it right though and everyone gets rich. With over a billion people in India Bollywood is big business.

But there is not only Bollywood to fill this market – there is Tollywood, films made in Tamil Nadu, Collywood, Calcutta, Dollywood, films made by Dolly Parton. To have an ‘ollywood is to have your own style within a genre, use your own language and promote the stars you want to promote.

Working in the edit suite I have to resist the temptation and urge to use various of these ‘ollywood influences.  Child rights, abuse and trauma doesn’t quite seem to fit the genre, surely I can get a dance sequence in someplace.

“Sing is King”

Not over the top at all.

Click on the photo to see the full collection on flickr.

Lets face it India is bonkers.

Click on the photo to be taken to the flickr collection.

Here is a collection of portraits of the street children and Bal Shaka staff in Patna.

Click on the image and it will take you to the collection on flickr.

Somebody once compared the street kids of Bombay to me to its pariah dogs. They did not mean this in a derogatory way, in fact the exact opposite. If you take a pariah dog and a domestic dog down the road and a car comes along, the pariah dog knows to get out of the way and will do so at the last possible moment. The domestic dog however, will not have a clue, it is soft and only responds to orders and food, it doesn’t realise the danger. It becomes a piece of road kill – another statistic if statistics were kept for dogs killed on the road.

This highlights the problem that faces a child when they run away from home to live on the streets of Bombay. They have run away from poverty or abuse, or are forced to be leave – they are seeking a life of their own.

I found myself sitting with a bunch of street kids watching the pariah dogs. One of them pointed to the dogs and said “That’s the clown, the comedian amongst them, and that one is in charge, he rules this street and the one over there is weak, he will not live long,” I looked around my friends, and as if as a direct reflection there was the  clown, the one in charge and the one that could not move from the gutter because he was high on glue.

Mumbai though is cleaning up its act, it has reduced the number of pariah dogs down from 700,000 to 70,000 through a cull. However, an order has been passed that this is against animal rights. A bit of a debate rages. The dogs are calm during the day, but can be vicious and deadly packs at night. There is now a no smoking ban in public areas inside and out, posters have been put up stating fines for spitting, urinating and shitting in the streets, you can’t even wash your car without being busted.

The Marathon is on too, in which I am competing in the half marathon at the slowest possible pace, a 13 mile walk. My excuse being that my training did not really go as planned, to which I am sticking to. The reality, I am a lazy sort. They have cleared the streets of beggars and the Marathonplanners have ensured that the route does not go by any slums. They want the world to see Mumbai as this lovely metropolis and want no dirty washing out there.

I finished the half marathon in a record 4 hours, quite an achievement, but what I am most impressed about is that I am not last, infact far from it. I am surprised that there are thousands of people doing exactly the same as me – walking it. I don’t know if this is really in the spirit of marathons as we know it, but heh this is India and things do work a little differently. Things that really got me are the number of people that go out and run, not for a charity, but for their company. Corporate branding proliferates like an allergic rash. I bet there are bosses out there forcing their staff to do it with the threat of the sack or worse promotion and responsibility if they don’t. Also some of these groups only do a bit of it, the bit in front of the cameras, cross the road and head back again. That so isn’t cricket.

We have taken a group of 28 children to do the 7km run, which they completed with great fervor. It gave them something to look forward to, an ambition, a goal in life. What is more they were given a goodies bag of stuff by the marathon sponsors. Soaps, shampoo, that sort of thing. It did amuse me though that there was Nivea face whitening cream in the bag (Oh how our cultures differ), something I did not really need. So for a while the street kids of Mumbai will be smelling good and whiter than white.

After we had completed our respective runs/walks I did a photo shoot at VT station, home to bullet holes courtesy of our fundamentalist friends. At first the boys were a little suspicious of me, probably thinking this is another white guy taking photos of poor people, poverty porn at this time of recession. But, after they realised I had done the half marathon too I was welcomed into the pack, I was allowed in, I was the domestic dog gone wild with his street brethren.

Proof of my monumental walk can be found here:

 http://www5.marathon-photos.com/scripts/event_entry.py?event=Sports%2FCPUK%2F2009%2FMumbai+Marathon&match=laidlaw

Anybody need some skin whitening cream.